And to be honest,

I think I’m left with no other choice but to do something drastic, to you. something repugnant and impulsive, hoping maybe just maaaybe it’ll be wild enough to cancel out the horrid mistake I have made.

overwhelming feelings like those, never did me any good. I regret not having taken advantage of last night. I am sorry.

I hate the incredibly sad, gut-wrenching morning after feeling; once you know the person’s gone.

You said, “Don’t wait up, don’t count the minutes.”
So here I am watching paint fade from the walls.
On the TV, planes are dancing to the national anthem,
so the whole world knows it’s long past last call.
I sat through Tarzan swinging through the jungle,
and Godzilla crushing buildings and all.
The light from this TV can make it all look so easy.
It makes this room feel incredibly small.

Last call, last call — now I’ve heard it all.
The excuses get weaker as the stories get tall.
You step off with the wrong foot, the drunk fool at the ball.
Well, I’m not up for dancing, I’m up past last call.

Clock keeps on talkin’. It says,  ”Fool, go to bed.
Why waste the words, they’ve already been said.”
But I can’t shut my eyes with this face in my head,
so tonight I plan on clearing my mind.
I could lay my head in the arms of the sofa,
and wait for headlights to roll across these walls.
But when your key finds the door, your feet find the floor,
they’ll be greeted by empty rooms and empty halls.

let me see you stripped down to the bone,
let me hear you crying just for me,
let me hear you speaking just for me.

hurt me more than you’ll ever know. I don’t know if I can live with it.

@ 7:35 AM

it’s funny, cause everyone’s always saying how day to day it feels like nothing’s changing for them and when they look back, everything’s different. you see, I’m not like that.. I’m quite the opposite.

every day brings new shit up, and it feels like I’m in an everchanging story. but when I look back, I’m still the person I was a couple months ago. the story line hasn’t changed, not one bit. and the main character seems bipolar.

main character, which is to say, myself.

I guess that’s the problem with me.. I’m always trying to change who I am. I don’t feel good enough for anybody, and there’s always room for improvement. the jealous, insecure, perfectionist side of me has got me locked down. I’m doing this to myself, and I need to be set free.

I need to be set free.

in this moment, I understood for the first time in my life what it was to feel attracted to someone. not to think they were funny or to enjoy their company, or even to find one thing about them cute, like their dimples, or their hands, but to feel that physical pull toward them. I just wanted to close my eyes and have my body against his.